city in the sky

Nothing is constant, especially love; i really believe it, but i still hope against hope that, maybe one day i can meet a guy as what Robert Burns said--love "till a' the seas gang dry, and the rocks melt wi' the sun"(海枯石烂).

Promises, another variable thing--believe me, even though your love is going on smoothly at present, you should never forget the truthlessness of this matter. Don't believe those who say i will endeavor to make your happy, since your smile is so sweet, so attactive to me and if you smile i will smile too; don't believe words like i will hold your hand till we both become grey. Because, all of them are illusions, just words that may only satisfy you for a short period. When the love is never existed, the one who offered it would never remember those promises. Just like someone said, even though he himself wasn't sure whether he could achieve it. They are words only, don't take it seriously.

When i meet Ronggui, he made me feel like a princess at that earlier days; words were going to come to pass, and dreams would not be dreams. But now, it's like a mirror, forced to drop onto the ground, will never come back again. And now, i can only seek the warmth in dead letters:

the moment when i feel so hopeless you suddenly appear, give me a warm embrace, and tell me it will be okay...

you insist seeing me off to my hometown because you don't want me to be lonely during the actually short distance...

in the supermarket, you give me the only seat while you condescend to squat there...and when you finish, you help to make me cool... the feeling is so fantasty; have you noticed the envious glimpses conveyed from others?

when you know i am not feeling comfortable of sitting on the backseat, in fact i don't care since every bike is the same, but you install a soft seat one day later...

when we have a quarrel, i don't even want my water-card back. you inform me that a bottle of water is downstairs-- i fetch it for you; if you have time, you go and take it yourself...

when my old friend comes, you know how i feel, and you purposely buy me a bowl of porridge...warm, really...

too many......too many memories...but,

They all happened many months ago; and i know they will never happen again when we've been through those terrible days, especially the night when you send me this message, "神经！小心我不理你。" i was shocked then...

Some good friends did talk to me with good intention, "he is not fit for you; i am sure you can find someone much better than him." i denied, but gradually, i admit, at least, the part "he is not suit for me". 

I've written too many good sides of him, for one reason, i don't want to say evil of him, and i just want to keep them in case one day i forget all of his merits. I know, now, the situation is becoming bad, and no light is shining upon the relationship. What i have to do is to try to get through it...by myself..

and, no more tears.

ps, that song was what i kept on singing this morning, maybe reflecting my feelings.

As sons and daughters, we always think that our mothers care little about flowers; and what they mostly care is money that materialized thing or the whole family; according, we choose not to send them flowers but some other presents, which we think desperatly and buy costly . But in return, your mother may not be as happy as you hope them to be. The just passed Mother's Day opened before me a piece of recollection connected with that. The experience told me--you will never know how your mother feels until you send them one--mothers are women, flowers are still their sweet hearts.

When i was young, i gave all that i had, that 10 RMB, to buy something i thought was beautiful and odorous enough to please my mother, plus a special card that i've made by myself, but she just didn't like it, said they were useless. Then years later, i didn't send anything, because nothing seemed to lure her heart.

But one year, due to some circumstance, friends around me and the bad relation with my mother, i think to myself that i should do something this year, but what can i do? At last, i chose to present her a bouquet of red roses, not that big, just to mean something.

When i gave this flower to her secretly from the back of mine, i saw the smiles on her face! I have never thought of this kind of situation, the tough strong woman suddently changed to a shy young lady reflecting the looks of being proposed by the one she loved, pretty sweet and flatterred. My mother seldom praised me, the same as this time, she said, "Why you bought this..." But when i returned from school, i saw the flower, out of expectation, was outstandingly placed in the vase. And i know at that time, she was quite fond of it...

Boys always criticize the unsubstantial feelings that girls have towards flowers; they think it was so bored to repeat the same thing again and again without innovation, and on the other side, girls would think the same way, namely, flowers never last long, it values little even though they don't have it, but god knows how they feel when someone presents them one bouquet they like. So boys, if you don't have that very new attactive ideas, just do the same, girls surely love it:)

I have been reading Sense and Sensibility these days, in the book two girls representing two kinds of  choice in love--to love because of sense or sensibility. I would rather myself love following sense! From sense, you can divide right from wrong and behave correctly; you know what the thing you really need; you are able to live comfortably and regularly. But if chosing to love following sensibility, you would regret what you have done when you look back in the future; you would be sad and feel hateful to yourself.

I've been always thinking myself as a rational girl, but judging from what i did last night, i felt quite a shame of it. I don't want my life full of sadness and regrets, so...right, by all means be a girl with sense.

(transshipment from Chinese to English)

(i swear)

My dear sister,

        All that I want to tell you is from the bottom of my heart, so please listen.

        You must find those things, besides of love, things that enable you to stand on earth steadily and firmly; you must find the way to support yourself.

        You must convey your minds to clear and plain letters, because beauty never lasts long. Don’t read too many articles written by writers similar to your own pattern; throw away trivia and do not make a fuss about an imaginary illness; do not write whatever strikes upon you.

        Have self-command on your emotion, and clear what you really want, don’t accept whoever offers his heart. You must have a strong heart and belief that, regardless of time, still survives.

        Don’t say that you love this world when and because you are in the tower of ivory(university), but do say so even after you having experienced the those black, dirty, and ugly things.

        My dear sister, heartily to love and live, since youth is so short a period; when you choose a path, remember, do not turn back.

        Now and then ask yourself, what you are doing. Set up a long-range goal; sometimes look up to the sky and when you look at it, look as well as your down road.

        Don’t give the same man a second chance to hurt you and reject the vows made in bed. Don’t feel ashamed of desire or sex, just enjoy it, but you mustn’t accept the abuse and oversight of the man. Believe me, males are everywhere, more than frogs with three legs, so don’t easily say “love”.

        Believe your instinct…

        When the man no longer comes to find you, you shouldn’t go and find him; require those who call you baby to call your real name.

        Believe in love and assure that good guys are there searching for you in the crow, and he is single.

        Love substances, but properly, knowing that spirit is far more important. Compared to those reputed watches, fashionable dresses, you are the the most beautiful one!

        When you are hurt by your friends, do not doubt about friendship but watch out for the betrayer. Forgive but not forget, hold your puerility and errantry.

        Be happy, active, persistent, and warm hearty, those are little connection with character.

        I’m quite worried that you are too low-pitched(低调), you should be strong sometimes, whenever you are bullied, do pay it back! You needn’t bear grudges(记恨), let go of the flunkies, and then mercy makes of a noble spirit of your own.